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Litgirl01
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1# |
Rank:Platinum Member
Score:2660
Posts:2660
From: USA
Registered:
06/12/2008
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RE:Who am I
(Date Posted:07/11/2008 18:38 PM)
Lost...you haven't done anything wrong...you have done everything RIGHT! The commitment that you have toward your son is amazing and he will always love you for that. My suggestion is that you let go a little. That you allow your ex to take care of your son a little while you take some time out for yourself...to find out who you are without her! Believe it or not...this will make you a better dad! Learn how to enjoy life a little....and make your son a part of it too! Take him to see Niagra falls...or to Disney Land...something. But also take time to enjoy other adults!!!! (((hugs))) The fact that you are even questioning this shows me that you are on your way to bigger and better things! ;-)
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tazthecat
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2# |
Rank:Gold Member
Score:409
Posts:409
From: USA
Registered:
06/12/2008
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RE:Who am I
(Date Posted:07/11/2008 18:39 PM)
Lost, damn, I don't know what to say...I do know most men in your position would of buckled from the pressure and melted away..You preservered..You have unimaginable amounts of fortitude, honor(belt less driven) and compassion, something that is lacking in many men these days...
Don't feel down on yourself, life came without an instruction book, and good intentions these days are not black and white, but shroaded in areas of gray..
You did, you do, you will take on any means nescassary for the health, well-being and survival of your son...
Who am I? as your title states..Who is anyone? We change daily. We adapt to our surroundings, circumstances, and dilemmas at the drop of a hat..
Personally from one lost and broken man to another...Don't look towards what has brought you to this point in life, but what it will take to perserve what you have in your life and do the best you can..
Life changes people everyday, and most of the time we don't like the changes, but we adapt..We do what we have to to survive, and in the process we become many aspect of who we are, who we were and who we will be..
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Yes, I'm a realist, and you may not like what comes out of my mouth, but you can bet on one thing, it won't be tainted with lies.
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Grey_Wolf
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3# |
Rank:Platinum Member
Score:1190
Posts:1190
From: USA
Registered:
06/12/2008
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RE:Who am I
(Date Posted:07/11/2008 19:28 PM)
Here is what I have learned in life. 'Holics' run in the family. It is not genetic but it is learned. Your parents were alcoholics so you became a workaholic. My great grandfather was an alcoholic. His son (my grandfather) became a workaholic. It happens because they become the ones that run everything in the family. And my grandfather's children, unfortunately they are all messed up. It's an endless cycle. However, the cycle can end. You just have to be aware of the cycle. You have to know that it is there. I think that I really relate to you on this one, because I believe that I used to be like that. Always trying to do the 'right' thing. Always being responsible, always letting people depend on me. Always trying to look like I've got everything together. But that wasn't true. I was insecure, unsure about everything, and always hurting that I had done something that I really hadn't wanted to do just because I had seen it as the 'right' thing. I do understand that things must be worse for you since you are alot older than me and have real problems, unlike me. When I was like this it was a couple of years ago, and I look back at my 'problems' and laugh at my silliness.
But you see, one day somebody told me something (it was my stepdad actually). He said, "The only person you need to worry about is you and what makes you happy because you are the only person that has to live with you for the rest of your life." And something just clicked in me. An adult was telling me that I shouldn't care so much! Here I was thinking that I was mature, responsible, and dependable and an adult was telling me that I was wrong. I'm not saying those are bad things. Those are great traits to have, but you have to be able to live with yourself. You have to take care of yourself because NO ONE else is going to do it. I think you have done a great job with your son. And I will be the first to admit that I don't know much about parenting, but there is one thing I want to add. Does your son know you love him for who he is? Because sometimes all the encouragement can be perceived in a negative way. Meaning that someday he might get the idea that you encourage him so much because you're not happy with the way he is right now. Just my 2 cents.
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kuiks
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4# |
Rank:Platinum Member
Score:1273
Posts:1273
From: Canada
Registered:
06/12/2008
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RE:Who am I
(Date Posted:07/12/2008 13:52 PM)
?I agree with Wolfie, you have been so strong for your son and for your family and in your work. I think you need to let yourself be weak, let yourself be vulnerable and wrong. Take some time and look at where that need to be perfect comes from, search deep for where it started from. Then pick it a part. What would it look like if you didn't have to be right all the time? what would it look like if you were wrong once, what would it look like if you let someone else make a decision or if you allowed yourself to be vulnerable with some of the people in your life.? The thing with being strong all the time is that it makes you unapproachable, people don't know how to deal with perfection, it is intimidating and uncomfortable.? Making mistakes is a wonderful part of life, many really great things have come out of being wrong...examine your drive to be perfect, really look at where that need comes from and then figure out if it is serving you and your life right now... If it isn't it is in your control and your power to change it...choose a close friend and share one of your fears with them, you might be surprised of the great things that will come out of your being able to be vulnerable and real.
You are a great man Lost, but even great men make mistakes, not one person is infallible...
(((hugs)))
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Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror.
But you are eternity and you are the mirror.
Khalil Gibran
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jonnymh
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5# |
Rank:Gold Member
Score:466
Posts:466
From: USA
Registered:
06/14/2008
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RE:Who am I
(Date Posted:07/13/2008 20:04 PM)
Lost,
We are a product of our environment thats for sure. The strength that you have shown is evident throughout everything you do. People that hold themselves accountable and do the right thing even if it is not noticed or rewarded are few and far between. I try to surround myself with these types of people. I have been fortunate to be able to feed off of your lifelong experiences and obtain advice.
I have a similar disposition were I do not show emotion and people percieve it as I don't care. I care deeply and I am always willing to give of myself before others. In the end we need to find those that see this and hold a value to it.
I don't see you as taking a deal by being able to see your son well for one day. I see it as a strong finish to a great relationship with your son. I think the man upstairs would agree.
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theshoefairy
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6# |
Rank:Platinum Member
Score:1288
Posts:1288
From: Wales
Registered:
06/12/2008
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RE:Who am I
(Date Posted:07/25/2008 12:12 PM)
I don't know where to start really or if any of this will make any sewnse but I will definitely try my best.
Not everybody has an ideal upbringing, in fact I would say that most don't. I certainly didn't and I can see from your post that you didn't either. There was a lot of responsibilty placed on you from a young age and the same goes for me.
I had a bastard of a father, sorry about the language. He was a gambler and we almost lost everything. He kept coming and going because my mother allowed him to at the time and I never knew where I was or what was going on. I was very close to my grandparents on my moyhers side, practically lived with them because my home life was unstable, my mother was always working trying to pay the bills. I was 13 my grandfather died suddenly died from a heart attack, then 6 months later we found out that my nan was terminally ill with cancer. |As my mother had to continue to work and her 4 other brothers weren't very reliable, I bascially gave up school for a while and took the role of looking after my nan and nursing her til the end. I will be honest, it wasn't a good thing to go hrough at the age of 13 and I saw a lot that I could have done without seeing, but I am glad that I did it. Looking back I wouldn't have had it any other way and I am proud to say that I did the best i could to care for her, with is more than my uncles can say. Although it was hard and had a bad effect on me it has made me the person I am today.
I think it is similar to you. You did waht you had to do and just got on with it. Maybe if you had the ideal childhood, you wouldn't have achieved half as much as you have and you wouldn't be the person you are today.
I don't think you have anything to worry about concerning the choices and decisions you have made, maybe they haven't always been the right ones, but you were always doing your best at the time. You have been an still are an amazing father and you should be so proud of yourself for that. You can be safe in the knowledge that you have always done your best, especially where your son is concerned and nobody can ever take that away from you.
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Litgirl01
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7# |
Rank:Platinum Member
Score:2660
Posts:2660
From: USA
Registered:
06/12/2008
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RE:Who am I
(Date Posted:07/25/2008 12:40 PM)
That was a beautiful response pooey! (tears) You are a remarkable young lady...I hope you know that! ;-) xx
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lostandhurt
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8# |
Rank:Platinum Member
Score:825
Posts:825
From: USA
Registered:
06/12/2008
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RE:Who am I
(Date Posted:07/25/2008 14:46 PM)
'Last lecture' professor dies of cancerRandy Pausch, famed for his life-affirming message, passes at 47| | Pausch often emphasized the need to have fun. "I mean I don't know how to not have fun. I'm dying and I'm having fun. And I'm going to keep having fun every day I have left. Because there's no other way to play it," he said in his Carnegie Mellon lecture. |
 I am so envious of his ability to have fun to the very end. If you have never seen his lecture you should take some time to take it in. lost
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Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace and happiness;
Trusting that I may be reasonably happy in this life and forever.
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shygirl1212
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9# |
Rank:Gold Member
Score:437
Posts:437
From: USA
Registered:
06/12/2008
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RE:Who am I
(Date Posted:07/26/2008 11:35 AM)
Lost,
Suggestions, no because I am in awe of you, all that you are, and all that you have been through. You are a survivor Lost, in your past and in the present.
You are an incredible human being, a gentle soul, a force to be reckoned with. You are more than you even realize. You were meant for your son, and him for you.
Like me, I think you are extremely hard on yourself - I found myself nodding a few times after reading your feelings.
The responsibility, the obligations, the duties that we have taken on has become "life" not "a part of life".
No suggestions but in a way, obviously not exactly, I can relate to you.
But I think you should be proud of the person that you are, the man that you are, the father that you are, the wonderful friend that you are.
My thoughts are with you.
XOXO
Sara
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lostandhurt
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10# |
Rank:Platinum Member
Score:825
Posts:825
From: USA
Registered:
06/12/2008
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RE:Who am I
(Date Posted:08/07/2008 21:28 PM)
I asked a very good friend from another site to read and comment on my thread. Here is what she replied: OK, here is my reply, I should be up feeding the horses and getting ready to have the vet up and get all their teeth done, but I am taking some time for a friend and for myself, and like you it tugs on me in both directions. I have written my thoughts and comments below, interspersed in your writing. Quote: Originally Posted by lostandhurt XXXX XXXXX,
It sounds like you are coming out of this whole life expierence in good shape. I have been looking inward quite a bit lately and I have something I would like you to read and comment on for me.
I have gained strength and in many ways have opened my eyes to all the marginal behavior I would have ignored before. Looking inward seems to be a good and normal thing to do, I also have been doing that It seems we need to understand how we came to this point in our lives.
I posted it on another site where they know me well and I would really like to get your input. Here it is:
Who am I
I was raised to be a responsible person from a very young age. I took care of calves, cows, chickens, dogs and as my mothers alcoholism worsened, myself. After my mother left us when I was 12 or so I took care of myself and at times my alcoholic father. I actually thought I was a regular kid, just like my friends except for the drunk parents and having to get up at 5:30 to feed. Of course I know now that I wasn't like them at all.
I also grew up with that level of responsibility although I did not grow up on the farm, I grew up in a small city in farm country. I feel for you growing up with alcoholic parents, I would think you have a lot of unresolved issues with that that has been pushed down. We often work very hard and achieve to keep us from thinking about those very vulnerable childhood hurts.
I grew up with parents of the Depression, although my father was very successful, we lived very carefully and I was expected to excel. A "B" wasn't cause for praise, it was cause to wonder why I hadn't gotten an "A". When I became an adult and worked in high stress jobs in construction, I was always asked how I could handle the stress, my joking reply was "This isn't stress, growing up and trying to please my parents, now that was stress". I grew up believing there was always something about me that needed to be better, that I needed to work very hard to please.
My father literally beat(belt or open hand) honesty into me when I was very young, I wish I could say that I learned it at his side, but I witnessed to much dishonesty from him through the years to say that. The one thing he could not teach me was how to be honest with myself or to myself. I find it so easy to be honest with others |
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